Monday, December 1, 2014

Day 15: Narrate a conversation between you and someone in your life who you never had closure with (a friend, an ex, a family member, etc.) What would you say? What would they say? What outcome would you hope for?

Happiness is a form of courage... This blog has been something I've been looking forward to writing and posting. That's why I haven't really posted any lately (well that and I've been crazy busy with schoolwork).  I drafted this post on October 13, and my second draft was drawn up on November 18. I finalized it today and it's time people know how I really feel. I don't think the person I'm about to talk to will read this but if he does, I won't mind.

   I can't believe I ever answered your text last year. Yet, I didn't expect things to be how they were before. (You taking me for granted; me loving you so hard my gums started to bleed). I was excited because I had prayed for this moment for two months. The chance to just be friends with you and not at all ask for anything else (No chance of there being an us; just you and me separately connected). Upon answering your text, I gave you yet another chance and permission back into my life.

Then, God gave me four really good, genuinely great months of friendship with you. You didn't hurt me or make me cry. You solidly were showing appreciation for me as your friend for the first time in the four years we've gone back and forth between being friends. Literally every time I talked to you, I would smile at heaven or a tear would fall, and I would whisper, "Thank you Jesus," because this was all I'd ever really wanted from you.

Yet, as the New Year rang in, our friendship started ringing obnoxiously loud like a bell that had hollowed out. I rushed to try to piece things together between us like I always do in order to please you but once again, the jigsaw puzzle pieces didn't fit. We ran out of things to say to each over text, and I quit being your publicist because under appreciation from someone who wasn't even paying me, felt like small pieces of glass were being slowly inserted in my back in order to sit there and fester like a splinter gone unnoticed but later starts to pus. I stopped caring because I felt as though I had no other choice.

Then, it was as if all your  fans became the friends you wished I was, and I unfriended you on Facebook, and let you go, this followed with Twitter, etc because I was truly conflicted inside: why did God bring you back in my life if all you ended up doing was causing me more pain. God does not enjoy watching his children suffer so this fallout had to be something outside of God's will, right?

Two months went by without one word from you and I started on my journey in life feeling a little less lonely. I started loving myself the way you should have; the way you could have if you just would have seen what you were missing but I know now that you never will, and I learned to live with that.

What I can't live with are all the questions I've had for you to answer but been too afraid to ask you so I will close with those:

When did you stop loving me? Did you ever even love me or care for me at all?

Why do you think it's ok to come and go as you please in and out of my life?

Did I do something that annoyed you, pissed you off, did I write something you didn't like?

Why am I not enough for you? Why aren't you happy with me? Are you even happy with who you are when you are all alone?

Why do you always have to remind me that we didn't work as more than friends? Do you enjoy pouring salt in my wounds?

I'm not writing this because I'm looking for answers. I no longer want them because you've lied so many times to me about ridiculous things that I literally don't know how to trust you anymore.

They say once the trust is gone so is the friendship  relationship but did we ever really have one at all? You were never really my friend; you only used me to boost your own ego.

To me, all I can remember is giving everything I could to someone that gave me nothing but confusion because of the illusion that he cared while he told others that I never mattered to him, not to mention all the saltwater that poured from my eyes because I was too hung up on a WHY that doesn't need to be answered.

I will never be enough for you and that's ok. I've found that without your approval I'm enough for me.♥

I forgive you for all you've done but I can no longer allow you in my life.

Please forgive me if I don't text you back or answer when you call. I have nothing more to say directly to you; the rest will be in my novel.

For any girl out there struggling to let go, just know:

You are beautiful enough, worthy enough, and don't need anything to feel whole.

Now leave him in the past, and finally

Let Go.

Love Times Infinity,
God Bless!
~Just Keep Swimming~

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