I love being on break because usually it's not that stressful. I just spend time writing and then save all my money for school since I don't usually get hired by any part-time job in my area.
This break, though, was no exception. I wore no-make up unless I was going to Wal-mart. (Have you ever been to Wal-mart? There are way too many creeps.) And most days when I'm home I dress like a bum since I plan on seeing no one (the bonus came when my camera broke) so sweat pants were my uniform of choice.
Drake wrote a song about me once. He sang, "Sweatpants, hair tied, chilling, with no make-up on." Every girl out there thought it was about them but he actually wrote it for me.
Anyway, so the first weekend in January, I went to the movies with my family and saw
This was so good because the media makes Justin out to be a bad guy(just like Michael Jackson, etc.) and he's not. Sure, he makes mistakes. He's human. My mom saw this movie and when we exited the theater she turned to me and said: "I still love Justin." Me too, Mom. Me too.♥
This was really good. Very tragic story but the quote in it spoke such truth: It's what we as storytellers do; we restore order through imagination and instill hope again, again, and again. -Saving Mr. Banks♥
Yet, I went to the movies without make-up. I've been in public without make-up before but this was the first time I didn't even worry about what I looked like before I left the house. Why have I suddenly changed and accepted myself?
Because I spent the whole Christmas break studying
Joyce Meyer's book Beauty For Ashes and the Action Plan to help with further Bible study. I entered 2013 with a lot of demons that I had carried around for 21 years and I decided that I would end 2013 by putting those demons behind me. Obviously, it's a day to day process but I can fully tell you that I feel lighter emotionally because I gave God all the ashes of my past that I've been holding onto.
Once that was complete, he revealed some things to me. I'll get to that in a few.
This past week came and went and I accomplished nothing other than helping my sister with her English hw. Her grade in the class went up 3% because of my help so it helped me feel that even though I didn't write more to my book, I made a positive difference in my sister's education. Which made me stop listening to that voice in my head that constantly tells me "I'm not smart enough" to finish college.
The main reason it was so hard to write was because Monday, I finally got an email from the financial aid appeal committee letting me know that they could give me $2000. That made my balance/bill for Fall semester go down to $1899.96.
Tuesday, I got an email from the department chair and my advisor telling me I wouldn't be able to take as many online classes as I wanted to.
I had wanted to take 3 campus classes and then take the other four I have left online. I figured because I was supposed to graduate in May they would make an exception. I was wrong. I took matters into my own hands and emailed the dean for specific approval letting him know why I wanted to finish this semester. I prefer online classes because they are easier for me, they require independent study, and the textbooks and classes are usually cheaper when grouped together.
Yet, the dean denied my request so of course, I sat for the rest of the day and bawled my eyes out because I always end up messing up and failing a class because I have a lot of insecurities regarding speaking in front of my peers.
I finally decided based on how much the textbooks would cost me. That's how I picked my classes. And also which professor I trusted for the on campus marketing class.
Yet, once I emailed my advisor with my schedule, he emailed me back on Thursday telling me that he couldn't register me because there was still a hold.
Then, I remembered that the unwritten rule at Saint Leo is that the balance must be $500 or less for your hold to be removed unless you agree to a payment plan. Which left no option but for me to find out how much the payment plan would be for. Yet, I felt that I was cheated by being only given $2000 when I needed $3500 to register and didn't want to agree to a payment plan until I knew for sure that I could pay it each month. I don't want to be in anymore deeper debt than I already am. On Thursday, I found out I have already $41,000 in student loans outstanding. That probably doesn't even include whatever aid I might get for next semester since I won't be finishing this semester.
Despite everything, I'm going to be working twenty hours a week and I'll be registered for 5 classes, 2 of which will be online.
I have to come up with $250 down payment and then I will have a monthly payment each month starting on Feb. 15. It's honestly too expensive to go to school just to make decent money in a dream job where most of my money will just go back to the government. So much for land of the free. More like, land of the bound. In other news, Obama's two daughters will get to go to any college they want for free. Isn't that just peaches and cream? What irks me the most is that I have a 20 hour job and I don't even get to use any of my paycheck for things I want to like: chocolate festival at MOSI for $21.95, Ladies' Night at Applebees, a Godiva basket for Valentine's day in order to treat myself. But no, I'm young and not free because my noose is tied and Saint Leo has me hanging by a thread always. I won't be recommending this school to anyone once I graduate because my whole experience beside working at the library and having class with a select group of professors has just left me feeling used and abused, and poor.
I'll be returning to school Thursday since I will be registering Friday. Yet, it was nice that a lot of my friends keep texting me that they can't wait until I'm back. My roommate is glad to have me back.(Weird, I know. I have real friends).
My only other option beside staying home and hoping I get a job close to home and pay back my balance would have probably meant that I never would have finished school; my other option would have been to marry a rich guy and yeah, I wasn't too ready for that. Still awaiting my Christian Grey. ;-)
Yet, I believe I have the talent and determination to be unstoppable this year and see this dream of being a publicist out to completion while also seeing my dream of being a best selling novelist out to completion so yeah, you can't stop me. No one will. Not SLU. Not financial aid. Not the government. Not my parents. Not my negative friends who don't believe in me. Not the haters. Especially not my worst enemy: Me.♥
If I have any doubts as to what God revealed to me, I will go see the counselor at SLU since they already know me because of last spring semester and that's including in the cost of my attendance at SLU. So I'm going to take advantage of it so my insecurities don't stop me.
Thursday night, I was watching Joyce and she said something that I knew God was saying directly to me:
Until next time, remember: "You don't have to be afraid that you're not up for whatever it is that you've got in front of you to do."-Joyce Meyer♥
Love Times Infinity,
~Just Keep Swimming~