Wednesday, January 11, 2017

#WriterWednesday: Who holds your confidence?

I don't know how but I started off 2016 with so much faith, passion, and confidence, and along the way, it just diminished until it was equivalent to a cell phone battery blinking and desperate for a recharge.

I think the first thing that diminished my confidence was when I attempted to lose weight through the lifestyle program affiliated with Shakeology, 21 Day Fix.

I really was stoked to spend about $75.00 on myself, or so my coach promised me. Yet, then my house air conditioner broke and my coach stopped sending me motivational texts and I said, why should I even bother with this? 

The unseen truth here was that instead of blaming my loss of weight on my coach's lack of encouragement, and my house's air conditioner crapping out, and just finished it like the boss chick that I claim to be. Yet, there was a power source issue here that instead of addressing, I let slip and just gave into my flesh when it came to over-indulging in sweets, alcohol, and fatty foods.

Following me quitting me Shakeology followed to me subconsciously overthinking the way I was being treated at work. I may have been really been targeted as far as abuse was concerned but either way, I overthought the whole situation and as a result, I called out one too many times and was immediately terminated.

Right after I was fired, I got a query response from an agent who ripped me apart for a previous blog post I shared on here where I responded to how an agent criticized my memoir in order to show other artists out there that you shouldn't change your art to bend to the trends of the marketplace but you should write, play music, draw or paint whatever your heart is screaming at you to share with the world. Art based on authentic passion always speaks volumes to the struggles of the world around us than the fickle trends of the marketplace when you query.

This query response would cause me to stop submitting to agencies for the time being. 

Plus, it made me stop writing creatively. I lost hope that my words even mattered at all. It turns out that the problem is my query letter itself and not my memoir. The query letter fails to sell the heart and soul struggle of my fight and how my story will breathe truth and change into people's minds if published.

A month after being terminated, I got hired with an undisclosed parcel company for seasonal employment. I applied to be a package handler but got hired as a golf cart delivery person in a residential neighborhood catered to the use of golf carts. They didn't call me to start until the end of the month and I grew impatient and easily frustrated. I went the first day and if I had thought they were unorganized before, after one day of work I certainly DID NOT want to work for them. Some issues that led me to feel this way: 

  • My trainer was an hour late to meet me when my supervisor told me to be there at 1:30.
  • I was fine when doing the job on my own but the trainer made me feel inadequate and judged, not to mention unwanted.
  • We were responsible for too many packages for only two people assigned to the pod so we ended up working until 7:30 that night with a broken headlight and no light to help us find the addresses we had to deliver to as well as trouble reading the package labels. Plus, we were given no night reflectors to deliver in.
So the next day when they called me in for my second day of work I quit. I only took the golf cart position because I thought it would help build my driving skills and confidence so I could grab the horse by the reigns and drive a motor vehicle with the license I got in September. Yet, I stopped wanting to even drive for the sad reason of feeling like the only thing that would motivate me to drive would be having a car of my own. I mean my father was well-intentioned when he gave me his car but being that he still drives it the majority of the time, I don't really feel like it was given to me. It was just dangled in front of me much the same way you may dangle a half-eaten chicken wing in front of a dog if you were mean-spirited. 

Heading into 2017, I realized all these errors and decided I was going to clear my mind of all negative and wrong thoughts as the year closed out, and renew my mind to new thoughts for the new year. 

So far, 2017 is off to a fabulous start! I've started writing 30 minutes a day. I have weekly freelance writing work, and have now partnered with Amazon via The Smart Cookie Philes. My Christmas was even blessed despite having little income for extravagant gifts, since I placed my confidence in Christ, I ended up getting everything I wanted for Christmas:

A tablet (so I can read The Smart Cookie review queue quicker and more conveniently, plus not have to print a billion pages worth of books so I save trees).

Some new clothes from H&M. (OMG, did you guys know they have shaping denim so me and my big booty can still look cute in a pair of skinny jeans without having to metaphorically cut off my air circulation. Plus, I actually got pajamas to wear for when I do writing of all types).

Beats Headphones (My desk and bedroom are in the middle of my living room. I love my family for being the stone cold pack of weirdos they are but being from up north hereditarily, we are a loud group inside our habitat) They are perfect for writing.

So I ask you in 2017: 

Until next time remember, 

Before I go, please make sure to check out Kickflip My Heart to your right since I added a new chapter for the new year!

May your 2017 be full of love, joy, and unshakable confidence in a God who's grace abounds and much more abounds for those who diligently seek him.

In Christ-Like Love and Confidence, 
~Just Keep Swimming~

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