It's not the idea that I may be single forever that scares me. It's the fact that I know how loving of a person I am and I believe I was made to love someone with all the love that I have. Sometimes I feel I have so much love within me that it's the reason I fall apart so easily. I have so much love that I have enough for two people.
Yet, maybe that's the point. Not that long ago, I asked God to give me His love to love others with and I know that's what he did because ever since that day, I feel like I'm a real beacon of love, light, and everything warm and good. It's overwhelming at times but I asked for it so I can't complain.
I actually was just talking to a dear, dear friend of mine about this the other night. I said how much I feel as if I'm constantly chasing people. Lately, it feels that way. I sow all this love toward my friends and they only meet me halfway. His advice: Being loving and sweet toward people is "the best way to be." Yet, I should just "have friends and hang out but just don't do the chasing." I have a feeling he thought I was talking about romance.
Maybe in a way I was because here I am confessing how much I'm afraid to stay single forever when actually my biggest fear is being in a relationship with someone.
It's the whole opening myself up to someone who is a total stranger who eventually becomes your friend and then one day you want to kiss this person. Then, years later, you can't imagine your life without this person in it. You want to see them all the time. You wake up with them on your mind. You fall asleep with a thought of them playing in your head as a smile plays on your lips. You dream of them and you sometimes want to sleep more than live just because you want to stay with them a little longer. Yeah, that's what I know about being in love with someone. And the thought of doing that again scares me because how do I know that that person is the right person to open myself up to? How do I know that person will see all that's wrong with me and not walk away?
I guess the biggest fear of any single person is probably the fear of loving the wrong one. Yet, I believe sometimes we are meant to love people even if they are the wrong ones in order to make mistakes, grow as people, and exercise our love muscle, just like you would any other muscle.
Just like walking or running or any other sport, love is meant to be practiced daily.
I guess I can find a little comfort in knowing if God brings them into my life, he uses them to better me so all I can do is trust Him to bring the right person to me. And not be so quick to give my heart away. I mean, God even tells us not to:
Guard your heart above all else,
for it determines the course of your life. -Proverbs 4:23
Until then, I must remember what God has also said regarding fear:
Fear not, for I am with you. -Isaiah 41:10
Love Times Infinity,
~Just Keep Swimming~