#WriterRevelations: Trust and Obey

Since college...I've suffered with social anxiety so it was only a miracle that at the end of September, I finally decided to trust and obey Jesus and just go to the young adult group at my church for the first time in 2 years.

And, it was awesome, and I realized the only way to rid yourself of your fears is to face them.

Then, I started suffering from general anxiety and depression for the entire month of October. I couldn't even read or write my way out of it. I wasn't even sleeping because I would tormented in the middle of the night with thoughts of the things people said to me (usually critical and judgmental in nature), and it was affecting my every day life and well-being.

Sleep is where your mind repairs itself, and on top of it, I work on my feet 20 plus hours a week, and do extreme workouts via Beachbody. My body without rest is a breeding ground for getting sick.

I was scheduled to leave on Friday October 26 to head to the Port of Miami and head out on open waters on my first ever cruise but before I left, I used poetry to gather my thoughts.

My cruise was extremely necessary because I am always busy striving toward the next goal that I never usually simply celebrate life but God wanted to overwhelm me with his favor.

 I witnessed the sunrise over the Atlantis.

 I visited the Atlantis and spent time on the beach.

This picture encapsulates everything that this trip did for me. It reminded me that we were made for freedom.

The first Monday I was home from my trip I finally wrote a brand new scene in my WIP,

which only meant that I was fixed, peace and sound mind, within my soul.

Yet, I was finally happy and ready to conquer the world and all my tasks again with fresh eyes, and an unexpected door was open to me out of the blue.

A connection I made at a wine dinner got in touch with me, and it turns out, she had a full-time job for me. It is close to my house and the pay is much better than I ever made at my current job. And I was promised that within ninety days, my pay will be increased.

I will admit, I hate that life is always like this, I finally find solid ground. I was used to working at my current job, I was actually getting along with my coworkers, and now a monkey threw a wrench at my CD player, and my soundtrack keeps skipping.

I just pray I still have time to write and time to do The Smart Cookie because those are my life destinies, and no amount of money will ever make me want to give those up. I am a creative introvert who loves to help see other people succeed. And not writing for ten months was bad enough on my psyche. Please pray for me no matter what. All in all, I know that now is a new chance for me to trust and obey.

And if you are suffering from anxiety, depression, panic attacks, or just any ailment of your mental state, please share this with whomever you think will benefit from this post. In case no one ever openly said this to you, even Jesus became depressed and had to overcome it:

Until next time, remember:

#WriterWednesday: Perpetual Sadness-A Poem by @ChelseaDeVries

Perpetual sadness
Drowns my soul
some would call it a hole
in my heart
that tears me apart
as I lay my head to sleep
at night.

Frustration eats away at me
Insecurity rises
Pride ebbs and flows,
she likes to take everything
personal
much like an obsessed lover
I have yet to love.

Does anyone realize
that I'm broken?
Or am I good
at pretending?
Fake it until
you become it.

I don't know how
to go on
until I hear
a still small voice.

It says
Be still and know 
that I am God.
O child, 
where is your faith?
The joy of the Lord
is your strength.

I must allow this
to be the tissue
that wipes away my tears
yet just like a Kleenex,
the tears are gone
but not the fears.

If you could have a conversation with yourself in college, what would you say?

Happiness is a form of courage...The original topic was  If you could have a conversation with yourself in high school, what would you say? but I've been there, done that. High school for me feels so long ago and it's time I leave it in the past. I am grateful for those four years but it's time to reflect on a time more near and dear to my heart: my four years in college. 

College for me wasn't that great. Sure, I had a great on campus job and I met some people that literally changed my life (some for the worst; most for the best) but my favorite part of college is the senior year I'm having right now. Just nine months ago, I moved back home for good from college even though I literally had 15 credits left to complete. And it was a tough seven months, trying to complete my classes from home, financial aid calling every week threatening to take away all my aid if I didn't follow their rules, no job or steady income coming in, and very few solid friends who truly understood what I was going through. Even certain family members were not at all supportive of me. Yet, I just kept my faith in God even though it looked like my circumstances had never been more dire, and this coming from a girl who has been on the brink between life and death. It appeared that God wasn't even there.

I would go to bed some nights and just cry myself to sleep because I didn't know what was going to happen. The devil was lying to me and he was starting to convince me that I would never graduate, I would never get an internship, and my life truly had no purpose. Boy, was he wrong.

If I could go back to that first day I truly remember not knowing what would become of my Saint Leo experience, I sat in the gym listening to Dr. Kirk speak to us during the matriculation ceremony and I was overwhelmed. Here I was just newly eighteen, reserved and quiet with an upbeat attitude toward life, believing that anything was possible. I felt so alone because I was the first in my family to ever leave to go off to college, and I barely knew anyone in my freshmen class. Yet, if I could go back to this day, I wouldn't even let any of the things that tried to break me during those four long years even cause me to sweat. This is why:

Fall semester has come and gone and I finished out the semester with a 3.3 GPA. I got all my credits.
Now that spring semester is up and running, I can't believe that I get to wake up every day and do what I do. This week for example was uber exciting. It started out with me filming a spot for a tv infomercial for HSN. No word yet if my part will even be used but still...never in a million years would I have thought God would take one innocent headshot taken at the end of that first acting workshop and shine favor on it so that I would be chosen for this opportunity. 

I even remember that first acting workshop like it was yesterday. I was all dressed in my business clothes thinking I was going there to be a stage hand but instead was told by my boss that I would be participating as well. I was sick. I only got less than fours of sleep the night before, I had only eaten one egg and a piece of toast, with five sips of coffee. I was so sleepy and out of it that it felt like a dream. It became even more of good dream when two guys walked in who were around my age. One even mentioned he was being recruited by Saint Leo for their baseball team. They were both cute and friendly and I instantly felt a little less nervous. Later a third guy joined the class who was a little bit older but definitely very good at improv acting and each time I worked with each of the guys they made my nerves go away because they made me feel at home even thought inside my head, all I really wanted was to hurry up and get the heck out of there. I was so tempted to just go in the bathroom and not come out.

My only experience with acting have been very amateur. I took a year of drama in high school during my senior year and on the last day of the class, I was given the "Big Talker" award because I never spoke in that class unless I was forced to. Now, here I was, forced to act again but this time, it felt more low-key. The second class, although with a bigger crowd, was easier to complete just because I knew what would be expected of me. ( I watched Whose Line is It Anyway the night before to prepare), and after the first improv exercise in front of the class, my heart was pounding in my ears. Yet, instead of making me panic, it made me feel even more alive. I realized what was happening. I was slowly overcoming my fear of public speaking and I was so grateful to God for this small beginning toward my GREAT big destiny.

Monday and Tuesday of this week, I wrote a cumulative 921 words of a new chapter for my upcoming memoir. Before getting started writing on Monday, I was a little nervous because I hadn't written a new chapter in two months. Would that hinder me? I thought to myself. Once I opened my notebook and my pen hit the paper, it was like I never had taken a two month break due to a writer's block and editing session of the first 61,000 plus words. The words poured out of me much like sweat on a runner or tears from a bride as she walks down the aisle toward her husband. It was like talking to an old friend and realizing nothing has changed between you. It was familiar and breath-taking and I couldn't thank God enough for the beauty he's graced my life with in place of the ashes.♥

Tuesday evening, I received an email that literally knocked my socks off. It was to schedule a job interview for a job I had applied for in October. It's a part-time job that I know I would be perfect for, and the interview was scheduled for Friday morning. God is so good!

Thurday, I had a phone conversation with my advisor to go over what would be expected of me for the twelve credit internship that I am registered for. After a semester without communicating, I was surprised to find that he was happy for me with the progress I've made since April. After this is completed, I officially receive my degree. It left me nearly in awe once again of how amazing God is and how he works.♥

Friday, I had my interview at the job site for the part-time job that I would literally LOVE to have, and I felt positive about it. Yet, I won't hear for another two weeks if I get it. Then, at two o'clock the same day, I had a phone interview with another PR firm out of Los Angeles that I will officially be blogging for. More information to come on that soon!♥

After Friday, I could not believe how God has turned my whole life upside down. A complete 360. What was once a merry go-round now became a ferris wheel of beauty, wonder, and destiny.♥

Yet, through this whole thing, I wake up every day now and smile. I no longer suffer symptoms of depression. The joy of the Lord truly is my strength. Yet, in the midst of all these blessings, I see that life is now just a constant cycle of hurry up and wait which is why the Bible says, "We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised." (Hebrews 6:12)♥ 

Faith and patience work together. All I had to do back in May was simply TRUST in God.♥

For anyone struggling to find out if it's even worth it to not give up, to live another day, to breathe another breathe, let me give you some words of encouragement: (Courtesy of Joel Osteen).

"In punctuation, an exclamation point is simply a question mark straightened out. If you want God to take your question marks, the things you don't understand, and turn them into exclamation points, you have to trust him....Anytime it looks like everything is dying in your life, something is coming to life. It may look like the end BUT this is a new beginning."♥

2 Corinthians 4:8,9 says: "We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. 9 We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed."♥

So if I were to go back in time and have a conversation with that Not a girl not yet a woman version of myself, I would tell her this: It really is all going to be worth it. And even if there are days that make you doubt it, YOU matter. Now go get'em girl. Go change the world.♥

Until next time, "You're not buried; you're planted. God is going to bring you through."-Joel Osteen.

Love Times Infinity,

Chelsea

xoxo

God Bless!

~Just Keep Swimming~